"How to fail (the IELTS exam)" by Natalia Larchenko, a "Mayonnaise" contest winner


My Creative Writing Contest "Mayonnaise" has come to its inevitable end, which is good because I can finally share the amazing stories by the amazing winners! The prompt for the contest was simple: Write a story that ends with the word "Mayonnaise."

I am beyond thrilled to present another winner Natalia Larchenko. Her story is wonderfully weird, which was what helped her win. Don't be afraid to be weird and enjoy the story!

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How to fail (the IELTS exam)

How can a regular city slicker blend in with seasoned farmers? This was the question that I started to mull over about two months ago when I first learned that my late uncle had been kind enough to have bequeathed me his splendid mansion out in the sticks.

I visited the place only once before making a final decision of moving in. After all, it was easy to fall in love with peaceful walks in the dappled shade of trees, while listening to their rustle in the wind. Much more soothing than a rustle of bank notes, as far as I’m concerned.

Anyway, I still had to blend in as I’ve said. Properly, that is. Not like a lady with a very curly perm who gets confused with a bleating sheep while speaking. A HORSE! seemed to be an obvious solution.

I reckoned that if a person wants to come across as a nature lover and a farm connoisseur, he must get a horse! Some might argue that a cow could be better, but these people understand nothing. How the hell, can I ride a cow back home? Too much trouble to transport it.

All in all, I was pleased with my decision and was beaming proudly while approaching the property where I was supposed to collect my new pet.

Here it was! My beautiful stallion. I couldn’t wait to stroke it. However, preserving decorum, I first greeted a guy standing next to my beauty. James (as I quickly found out) was looking peculiarly down in the dumps, I couldn’t help but notice.

Luckily, James’s seemingly bad mood didn’t stop him from being incredibly talkative. I was immediately informed that the decrepit farm, I came to, used to belong to an American guy who was obsessed with puns, idioms and all this linguistic ‘rubbish’ (I quote). So much so that he once painted a sheep black because ‘it was embarrassing itself’.

“Or, for example,” James continued. “When one day he heard that ‘free trade with Australia will spell doom for many livestock businesses, he just said “Yeah, alright, I can spell that too D-O-O-M, we don’t need Australians for that!” Yeah… those puns killed him. And the horse of course.”

“What? Did he die because of the horse???”

“Yeah, another foible of his. Every time the horse neighed; he ate a spoonful of mayonnaise. Very bad for health as you understand.”

“No…I don’t understand…” And I really did not understand.

“Oh, I didn’t mention, sorry, mate. The horse’s name is Mayor. ‘Every time Mayor neighs, I eat mayonnaise’, the American used to say.”

I still did not understand, but let it slide. I’ve always suspected linguists are some sort of lunatics.

“So, is that how the American died? Too much mayonnaise?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah! For sure! That… and numerous fractures after falling off the horse. But he would have kicked the bucket anyway… with all that mayonnaise!”

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Make sure to watch our live stream with all the winners to get some inspiration and some valuable writing tips on how to write a winning story.

And absolutely make sure to read more stories from the contest:
- "It will leave a stain" by Irina Lutsenko (me)
- "Hypnotized" by Elizaveta Zanozina
- "To hell with Mayonnaise" by Evgenia Karabatova
- "Etude" by Vera Novikova


Image credit: Photo by Guillermo Mota on Unsplash

Comments

  1. BryanAugust 7, 2021 at 9:48 AM

    Just realized, this great story came out on the day of my Birthday :D

    ReplyDelete

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